
Sam Allardyce took a swipe at both the Football League and his own table-topping West Ham United players after lowly Ipswich Town completed a most unlikely double over his side with a win as emphatic as it was unexpected.

Sam Allardyce took a swipe at both the Football League and his own table-topping West Ham United players after lowly Ipswich Town completed a most unlikely double over his side with a win as emphatic as it was unexpected.
Source: http://www.itv.com/sport/football/news/generalnews/torres-doubtful-for-derby-clash-840413352.html
Source: http://www.itv.com/sport/football/news/generalnews/moyes-fumes-over-bottle-incident-891248275.html
Source: http://www.itv.com/sport/football/news/generalnews/beausejour-to-miss-arsenal-game-755689230.html
Source: http://www.itv.com/sport/football/news/generalnews/holloway-warning-for-liverpool-316544011.html
Source: http://www.itv.com/sport/football/news/generalnews/mccarthy-not-happy-despite-cup-win-874947884.html
Source: http://www.itv.com/sport/football/news/generalnews/hodgson-accepts-fans-frustration-60901380.html
Source: http://www.itv.com/sport/football/news/generalnews/miller-misses-out-366367158.html
Source: http://www.itv.com/sport/football/news/generalnews/ancelotti-wants-focused-blues-110729780.html
Source: http://www.itv.com/sport/football/news/generalnews/arsenal-post-impressive-figures-62941597.html
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2.55pm: "I'm trying to pick my Transfer Deadline Day soundtrack," writes Eddie Munro. "I can't decide between the updated version of Conan the Destroyer, which makes me think of Harry Redknapp fearlessly galloping astride Younes Kaboul (an ironclad Joe Jordan in tow) with a satchel full of gold coins and fist full of steel whilst the resilient David Moyes attempts to prevent a seige of his ramparts ... or something less/more homoerotic like the theme from Terminator 2: Judgement Day, which conjures up images of poor defenceless clubs like Arsenal and Chelsea, unable to stop the rise of the Mancunians ... it's only a matter of time before Rooney and Balotelli become self aware. Or is it?"
2.53pm: "With Anton Ferdinand having moved on to QPR at the start of the season, myself and many of my fellow Sunderland fans have been cursing our luck at the lack of something really close-to-home to be righteously indignant about when asserting our moral superiority over the (innocent-until-proven-guilty) still-England captain whenever we see or read anything about him," writes David Moore. "Thanks Wayne."
2.49pm: At last, some long overdue news for Liverpool fans, who've been getting very edgy about their club's apparent lack of transfer activity. Sky Sports News have just broadcast footage of Kenny Dalglish's pre-Wolves match press conference in which he was wearing a blue woollen v-neck pullover and grey shirt not entirely dissimilar in design to John Ashdown's. He didn't say anything about signing anyone before 11pm.
2.46pm: According to the Sky Sports News Yellow Ticker of Truth, Watford have accepted a bid from Wigan for Adrian Mariappa. Meanwhile on the screen above the aforementioned ticker, a man who looks like an owl is insisting that Peter Odemwingie is not leaving West Brom.
2.45pm: Regarding Wayne Bridge's slovenliness," writes Gareth Evans. "He's had enough time to think about it, surely he could actually have turned up in a freshly pressed Black Cats home shirt with his name on the back? Or do you think he's a little bit sad to be giving up his free money for training with the youth team? I bet he's a bit miffed he'll now have to Sky+ Soccer Saturday." I thought it was a different kind of Saturday Bridgey was interested in ...
2.43pm: The word on the street is that hirsute former Liverpool defender Sotirios Kyrgiakos, who currently plys his trade with Wolfsburg, may well be on his way to Sunderland.
2.40pm: I can confirm that John Ashdown, who must have slept with somebody important to get the Guardian Deadline Day minute-by-minute report equivalent of the glamour Jim White/Natalie Sawyer late shift has entered the building. He's looking fit, healthy and well, wearing a grey check shirt, blue denim jeans and a scruffy looking pair of trainery type things.
2.39pm: "Any truth in the rumour that the proposed transfer of Saha to Spurs has stalled due to him putting his back out whilst attempting to sign on the dotted line with a particularly heavy pen?" asks Sean Moore.
2.35pm: "What's so upsetting with a guy not wearing a suit?" asks Clive Darwell. Not particularly upset; call me old fashioned, but I just think it would show willing and a bit of respect on Bridge's part to turn up for his first day at work well dressed, not least from somebody whose motivation has been called into question in recent months.
2.32pm: "A relative was supposed to be having a shoulder examination in Holly House Hospital today after waiting for five months, but was mysteriously cancelled last Thursday," writes Paul Baker. "To make it worse the appointment now seems to have been usurped by West Ham. Still, at least he gets a replacement appointment for April."
2.30pm: "John 'Goals' Baird will be staying at Raith Rovers according to one of his latest tweets (@Bairdy22 - Not moving anywhere people.)," writes Danny Marsh. "Be as well to shut the window now, nothing else of note."
2.24pm: I can confirm that Nikica Jelavic has turned up at Goodison Park, waved half-heartedly at waiting cameramen and walked through a doorway. He was not wearing oversized headphones, a beanie hat or carrying a monogrammed Louis Vuitton washbag, which bodes well for the future, even if it does raise questions about a potential lack of personal hygiene. That said, I did see a rectangular bulge in his jacket pocket, which may have a bar of no-nonsense colourless carbolic soap.
2.23pm: "Let's hope Martin O'Neill really has picked up something from his mentor," writes Chas from Sunderland. "Cloughie managed to make John O'Hare look a decent player. Resurrecting Wayne Bridge might rival that achievement." Perhaps, but I can't help but think Clough would have abandoned the deal if John O'Hare had turned up to sign his contract wearing a hoodie and a black beanie hat.
2.21pm: "Plymouth Argyle arent being very secretive about who they are signing today," writes Jim White (not that one) "I've just come back from lunch, where James Brent was sat at the table opposite with Carl Fletcher and soon-to-be signings Josh Hortin, Gary Sawyer and Carlos Tevez. Only one of those names is a lie."
2.18pm: Wayne Bridge has signed on loan with Sunderland and has pitched up at the Stadium of Light wearing a black beanie hat and a hoodie. Seriously, would it kill him to wear a suit and tie? You can read all about it here ...
2.15pm: Watford defender Aidy Mariappa has just eight hours and 44 minutes left to decide whether or not he wants to sign for Newcastle. Alan Pardew says the Magpies have made their final bid and the ball is now in the player's court. Truth be told, he probably has less than eight hours, as he'd need at least 44 minutes to get from London to Newcastle, do his medical and sign his new contract.
2.12pm: Bristol City striker Nicky Maynard has just completed his medical at Holly House Hospital, who offer outpatient clinics and treatment in most medical specialties, diagnostic imaging, physiotherapy, fertility, private GP service, screening, cosmetic surgery and weight-loss surgery, and is on his way to the Boleyn Ground, where he'll sign a three-and-a-half year deal with West Ham.
2.10pm: Vinny O'Connor, Sky's man shivering in the cold outside Goodison Park, has revealed that Rangers' Croatia striker Nikica Jelavic is en route to Merseyside, where he will be given a tour of the stadium by club legend Graeme Sharp before signing on the dotted line. He's already passed his medical.
GOOD AFTERNOON EVERYBODY! Glendenning here to report that Sky Sources have revealed that QPR have bid �5m for Fulham striker Zamora. Christ, I feel so alive!
2.03pm: Nick Dent has moved to Spurs for �500,000 a week. "Usually I love deadline day Tom," says Nick Dent, "but this one has a bitter sweet feeling for me. The second the transfer window 'slams shut' (Sky Sports?) I turn 30. Rumours of Saha to Spurs are doing very little to elevate my mood! Can you make up something as an early birthday present please?"
2pm: Barry Glendenning is warming up on the sidelines ready to trot on for the second-half of deadline day. Email him at barry.glendenning@guardian.co.uk with your thoughts. "According to Sky, the Progrebnyak move to Fulham will probably not happen, due to problems with the labour permit and a knee injury for the Russian," says Anton Winkler.
1.57pm: Barney Heywood has news from Spain. Or lack of news. "Just to let you know transfer window deadline day here in Spain is pretty underwhelming too. Real Madrid don't need anyone, and Bar�a are going to rely on their youth team. Henrique - Sau Paulo to Granada (loan), and Ghezzal - Bari to Levante (loan) the only business of note, so far... BUT Sporting Gij�n have sacked Preciado this morning, so any English clubs wanting a manager who can take on Mourinho (and win) could do worse. Preciado also has a great 'tache."
1.55pm: Anyone want to see Wayne Bridge with a Sunderland shirt? "One year ago today, Newcastle spirited �35m from the Liverpool coffers in exchange for one Andy Carroll," says Paul Brennan. "Tonight, in what must surely be a sign, the Euromillions jackpot is �35m ? I suggest that Liverpool sell Carroll back to Newcastle for �1m and invest it all in tickets for tonight's draw, being careful that Newcastle don't try and throw James Perch into the deal."
1.51pm: Dave Whelan is bracing himself for a bid from Spurs for Hugo Rodallega: "It might make sense to cash in now.
"But if he stays with us to the end of the season he can help us stay up, which would be worth far more than a transfer fee," said Whelan on ESPN. "Re: Saha to Spurs," says Tom McLaughlin. "Maybe with 'Arry's handwriting being like a 2 year old's he was actually after Zaha and there has been a misunderstanding..."
1.47pm: It's official! Former footballer Wayne Bridge has joined Sunderland on loan for the rest of the season.
1.45pm: Andy Carroll is definitely staying put: "Andy is going nowhere!," cries Liam Robertson. "Not with all the support the Liverpool bosses are giving him. I was very impressed to see that they commissioned a life-size wax work model of him to be placed on the pitch every time Liverpool play."
1.43pm: The full rundown on Bolton's attempts to sign Boro defender Rhys Williams. If you call four paragraphs a "full rundown".
1.39pm: Our token nod to non-league, consider your heads patted: "Cambridge United are on the verge of signing young hot-shot Jimmy Liu to a professional contract on five-year deal at the Abbey," writes Stephen Harrison.
1.38pm: A very reasonable suggestion: "Seeing as 95% of deals are done on deadline day (a fact I may have made up, just now), why not have a one-day blowout? The FA hire a big hall: all teams have a stand replete with manager, chairman, novelty-sized cheque-book, and the players," says Jamie Woods. "Video conferencing rooms set-up with Spanish and Italian giants, and little stalls for the French and Dutch leagues, with phone lines and video-clips. The FA would have a stand, with a big buzzer and flashing lights every time a deal completes."
1.36pm: Manchester United are close to signing former Switzerland Under-17 captain Frederic Veseli from Manchester City, according to reports. The player's agent said we can expect news "very soon" on any move. "Just seen ex-Preston defender Michael Jackson loitering outside Craven Cottage," says Ffion Thomas. "Oh. Hang on. Forget I said anything."
1.33pm: More from Alan Pardew on the potential move for Watford's Adrian Mariappa: "We have made our last bid now and it's a final bid so if he doesn't come today then he probably won't come to this football club because in the summer we will probably look elsewhere." It's not exactly the kind of talk that will cheer him up if Newcastle do sign him, is it?
1.29pm:Apparently, Sulley Muntari has joined Milan on loan. Environment news from Olly Winkles: "What's with everyone flying everywhere on deadline day? Haven't these people heard of video conferencing and carbon footprints? These same people haven't figured out how to scan in and email a document either by the looks of how often they still use their newfangled facsimilie machines." A facs-what machine?
1.24pm: "Actually, we retweeted it cause it was hilarious!," says Jamie Trecker of Fox Sports. It's probably a bad idea to get on the wrong side of Fox because they indirectly own the Death Star, so I will apologise. But I still stand my point about Shearer being the bigger story.
1.22pm: Phil Brown finally breaks America. "Fox Soccer has put graciously put Sky Sports on live here in the States, so we get to see Phil Brown in all his glory," says Padraic Cassidy. "And the Sky reporters in the car parks. Wonder if regular daytime viewers in the US will realize what it is?" I imagine any viewers in California will be very envious looking at a grey car park on the outskirts of London.
1.19pm: This from the news wires: "Newcastle have made their final bid for Watford defender Adrian Mariappa, manager Alan Pardew said today."
1.17pm: Ha! It appears that Fox Soccer may have fallen for our zinger about Chris Sutton's transfer from Norwich to Sutton. Everyone knows the big story of the day is Alan Shearer from Southampton to Blackburn. Those two could cause some action.
1.09pm:Andy Hunter has news of Louis Saha: "Saha to Spurs is done. A surprise move from Harry Redknapp but could be the lift, and the team, the French striker needs. Jelavic to Everton must be close." Talking of which ... "Do you think Spurs have signed Saha to keep Ledley King company in the treatment room," writes Steven Fanning. "This could be 'Arry's famous man-management skills at work."
1.01pm: I'm handing back to Thomas Lutz BA (Hons) now. He's on tom.lutz@guardian.co.uk. Bye.
1pm: "I've just seen Andriy Shevchenko in KFC outside the Madjeski," says Justin Anderson. "I hear he's mates with Reading's new owners." Sorry, that's a clear lie: everyone knows he prefers Burger King chicken nuggets.
12.59pm: Sky are using Kinky Afro as background music in their advert for next month's football. What took them so long?
12.57pm: Djibril Cisse has arrived in Shepherd's Bush and, after spending a few minutes marvelling at how many fried chicken shops there are on Shepherd's Bush Road, is now completing his loan move from Lazio.
12.55pm: This is the token entry where we joke about the big one and then reveal a low-key transfer: Lee Cox has moved from Inverness to Swindon.
12.52pm: "Defoe's been spotted at Liverpool airport," says Marc Smith. "I heard this from...... The BBC. Sort it out Guardian! How can you let the BBC scoop you for totally unsubstantiated rubbish???" That's no way to talk about Liverpool airp-honk.
12.50pm: More hot news from the news wires: "Middlesbrough have turned down a �6million bid from Bolton for defender Rhys Williams, Press Association Sport understands."
12.49pm: "WBA fan here," apologises Adam Timmins. "Odemwingie to Fulham has been doing the rounds for ten days or so. Apparently WBA want �8 million for him - if Fulham will pay that let them have him I say. Odemwingie's become a bit of a sicknote this season, and we already have a replacement in Long."
12.48pm: Bolton was a care home for geriatricos under Sam Allardyce; now it's a finishing school for young talent. First Jack Wilshere and Dean Sturridge went there on loan, and now another young Arsenal player is heading to the Reebok Stadium. "Ryo Miyaichi, Arsenal's quicksilver Japanese winger, is set to join Bolton Wanderers on loan," says my colleague David Hytner. "Miyaichi has had niggling injury problems this season and he can look a bit lightweight but he does have excellent technique. Arsenal fans will hope that, a la Jack Wilshere, a spell at the Reebok will be the making of him."
12.46pm: "Have just seen Heurelho Gomes boarding a Manchester bound flight at London City Airport," says Kal Birk. "UTD possibly?" Or he fancies someone in the Legoland at the Trafford Centre; could be either. Actually I'm not sure there's a keeper in the league with better reflexes than Gomes, but reflexes aren't much good if you can't catch the sphere, sadly.
12.44pm: "Sounds as if Spurs have secured Louis Saha from Everton," writes my colleague Dominic Fifield. "The Frenchman was out of contract at Goodison Park in the summer..." That's an interesting move. When he's fit and in form ? yes, yes, I know ?�Saha is as good as almost any forward in English football over the last six or seven years.
12.43pm: "Surely," says Ian Holt, "there's only one South American Deportivo that Terry should go to."
12.42pm: A bad day for Championship Manager heroes everywhere. Midfielder Martin Rowlands has left QPR today after his contract was terminated by mutual consent.
12.40pm: "With Djibril Ciss�'s imminent return to England for QPR, this Liverpool supporter (speaking in the third person) recalls him jiggling like a rap star around the European Cup in Istanbul, and is forced to ask a question as perplexing as any scientific wonder of the universe: how did a team comprising the likes of Ciss�, Igor Biscan, Djimi Traore, Harry Kewell and Vladimir Smicer conquer Europe?" says Owen Cameron. "Surely we will never see such a feat again." Well...
12.37pm: The Sky man in the Midlands has just got exceptionally excited about a potential deal. He's rambling breathlessly. What could it be? Stephen Ireland to Barcelona? Carlos Cuellar to Santos? Lionel Messi to Walsall? No, Peter Odemwingie to Fulham. And it's only speculation as well. It's started, hasn't it?
12.35pm: "What transfers would we really like to see?" says Gary Naylor. "How about John Terry to Deportivo Moron?" How about Gary Naylor to my mansion as my butler? That would make me very happy.
12.33pm: David Pizarro's agent has been flapping his gums. ""We will fly to England at 1400 hours," he said. "The problems relating to a work permit have been resolved and Manchester City will ask for a dispensation regarding his national team appearances." Pizarro is due to join City on loan.
12.32pm: Jim White a moment ago. Possibly.
12.30pm: Half the population has put down the foie gras to unite in impromptu prayer after Sky's breaking news ticker announced that Anzhi Makhachkala are in preliminary talks to give Andriy Arshavin a home.
12.29pm: "The picture at the top is clearing a pea chasing a humming bird," says Jonathan Harris. "I'm glad that's sorted. Now, please tell Arsenal are signing Demba Ba if Arshavin's on his bike/tricycle."
12.28pm: According to Skyman, Rangers want to replace Nikica Jelavic with ? and you'll like this ?�Grant Holt. I would pay a monstrous amount of money to see my colleague Scott Murray's phizog as he digests that news.
12.26pm: "I saw that Patrick Helmes was linked with Rangers on a German website this morning," says Allan Pater. "Do the Guardian know anything about this?" Ha, good one. "Also, any more info on the Lokomotiv and CSKA moves for Anthony Stokes and Gary Hooper respectively?" Ha, good one too.
12.24pm: "Now that Blackburn have reunited Mary-Kate and Ashley, can we expect a cheeky bid for Linsay Lohan?" says Philip Hayes, defiantly refusing to let things like spelling get in the way of a gag.
12.21pm: Manchester City have spent the last few transfer windows rooting through Manchester United's bins, and now you can insert your own joke here: apparently United are about to sign the 19-year-old Swiss defender Freddie Veseli from City. You can read all/more about it here.
12.16pm: "Sorry Tom," says Phil Reynolds, "it's definitely a chamaeleon climbing a twig." I assume, hope and pray this has some context.
12.14pm: Deadline day just got approximately 947134214234234234538 times better: Philip Brown Esquire has just rocked up in the Sky studio. I haven't been this happy in years. In his first 90 seconds he has described Barnsley as a "spiritual home" for Ricardo Vaz Te. Oh this is going to be fun. Phil Brown on Newsnight? It can only be a matter of time.
12.12pm: "If you want the rest of the day off," says Chris Oakley, "use this template I created and go easy on yourself..." Does it include the bit where Jim White arrives at the Sky studio to receive the sort of raucous ovation last seen when Frank TJ Mackie entered a room full of lonely single men?
12.10pm: Hang on, Lutz already told you about Tevez. Bah. Apologies for that and any further recycling of old news this afternoon. In other news:
? Everton have agreed a few for the Rangers striker Nikica Jelavic, an
? Chris Sutton has joined Blackburn in a �5m move from Norwich City.
?�West Ham stalwart George Parris is moving to Birmingham.
12.03pm: Hello, Rob Smyth here. I've been tagged in by Tom Lutz, who has gone to search for today's Roll Up Man. The Aliens really should rewrite this song in his honour, shouldn't they?
Anyway, the hot fresh news is that, er, AC Milan want Carlos Tevez. Again. Still. MAKE IT STOP. The chaps on Sky Sports News are getting very excited, putting on the sort of grave face usually reserved for reporting the death of a president. Anyway, as soon as there is further news, you'll hear it here fourth.
12.00pm: Sky have just screamed in my ear that Milan have reopened talks regarding Carlos Tevez. Please not again. "Not wanting to conjure the horrific image of two MBM contributors together, but I live with Mr Stanley," says Elliot Carr-Barnsley. "Imagine the times we have. The transfer I care most about today will certainly be his transfer of some more milk to our fridge. And a loaf of bread."
11.57am: QPR are getting rid of players as well as (potentially) buying them: defender Matthew Connolly has joined Reading on loan. "QPR fan here," says QPR fan Roy Allen. "Whilst its exciting to have my boys front and centre in the deadline day speculation, it's a bit scary too. �8m for Zamora? �5m for Cisse? Zamora demanding huge wages? This is a massive risk with relegation still a real possibility. As last Saturday showed, (and with Bothroyd, Campbell and Helguson all injured, and Macheda useless) we desperately need something up front, but are these two the answer? I'm doubtful. Excited, but doubtful. And a little fearful. Small ground, big wages, relegation, new, enthusiastic owner, we've been here before."
11.56am: "Re: the picture at the top of the blog," writes Mark Quire. "Horribly disfigured dolphin? Pshaw! It's plainly an egg being thrown at a fleeing rocky penguin." That's a photo of me, you heartless, heartless man. Thanks for destroying my fragile self-confidence.
11.53am: Jamie Jackson has more on Bobby Zamora to QPR. "Zamora is demanding �90,000 a-week from QPR to join form Fulham, fee is �9m ... he currently gets �45,000. From what I understand he'll be very lucky." On �45,000 a week, he's pretty lucky already.
11.51am: Sounds like the Djibril Ciss� deal to QPR is all but done. And Sky report that Andrey Arshavin is in talks to leave Arsenal, the club in question is Anzhi Makhachkala. Of course, he went missing a couple of years ago, but he could officially be on his way out this time.
11.47am: "The graphic of a footballer at the top of the transfer deadline page looks like a starling taking to flight. Or a dolphin," says Ricky Morton, who has only ever seen horribly disfigured dolphins, clearly. "Is this the sort of stuff you're after?" Yep, but it would be better if the dolphin was off to Everton or something. Anton Winkler has news from Europe: "German news are reporting at the moment, that Lucas Barrios won't leave Dortmund this winter, which makes the Progrebnyak move to Fulham more likely."
11.43am: "Any news on whether Andy Carroll is leaving Liverpool," says English literature's Mr Stanley. "I'm trying to teach a lesson on The Tempest, much to my chagrin, and the football boys at the back won't stop asking me! Exeunt pursued by Downing perhaps?" Carroll stays put but I hear Prospero is up for a big money move from Magic Island United.
11.40am: We're hearing a used Bobby Zamora will cost you �8m this deadline day. Meanwhile Ian Burch has this to say on Ronaldinho's 'move' to Fulham: "At least Martin Jol will only have to pop over to Notting Hill rather than Rio to look for Ronaldinho when he disappears at Carnival time."
11.38am: Quite a few of you have been asking for more information about VAT on transfers. We've listened and we will be setting up a dedicated daily blog on the subject called "VAT's A Fact!" but in the meantime, here's Stuart Brown: "In an earlier life as both a VAT Inspector and Consultant I've looked at several transfers. Some of the issues which can arise and cause problems relate to the 'extras' in a transfer deal. For instance �100K for scoring 50 goals, or �50K for an international cap. It is these which cause issues as sometimes clubs 'forget' that they are meant to pay the VAT across."
11.36am: Here's Dom Fifield: "Milan have confirmed the signing of Chelsea's 18-year-old Austrian forward, Philipp Prosenik. Nottingham Forest's Patrick Bamford, another 18-year-old forward who has played twice for the Championship club as a substitute, might be arriving at Cobham as a replacement ... another one of Chelsea's purchases for the future, clearly."
11.33am: Sounds like Ravel Morrison's move to West Ham will hinge on agents' fees.
11.30am: Our man on Merseyside, Andy Hunter has some news:
David Moyes will not stand in Louis Saha's way if Tottenham do make a surprise move for the French striker and he has secured the �6m signing of Nikica Jelavic from Rangers. Saha's fitness record has been good by his standards this season but his goalscoring and performances have been dreadful. He has two goals this season and is out of contract in the summer. A move to Spurs would suit all parties.
Moyes is hoping to add one, maybe two more signings to Jelavic today. AEK Athens' central defender Kostas Manolas is one, Guillaume Hoarau another, although it may be difficult to get the striker on loan from Paris Saint Germain. Jelavic's impending arrival will be the first time Everton have paid over �1m up front for a player since 2009.
11.27am: Our man in west London, Jamie Jackson, confirms that Zamora is talking to QPR. No news on the A40 westbound though.
11.25am: And you thought you'd heard the last of ash clouds. The dairy fire pictured below (way below) has shut the A40, which means Djibril Cisse may not be able to get to Loftus Road to sign for QPR. I guess they could just sign him at Heathrow, he'll still be just as bad.
11.20am: Blackburn have confirmed the signing of Marcus Olsson. Since they've already got his identical twin on the books, they could probably just give his brother the medical. How much difference can there be? "Not saying he's let himself go but I've just seen Ronaldinho outside Craven Cottage," says Anthony Brady. Wait for it, wait for it ... "And I live in Manchester."
11.15am: "I see Wayne was making the news here in Australia today, perhaps not for quite the right reasons at first glance," chortles Gav Hudson. They've also made the mistake of equating David Cameron with a knowledge of finance.
11.13am: While we're on the subject of Fulham, Ronaldinho could fill in for Bobby Zamora. Sky and various print hacks report that the striker is having talks with QPR.
11.10am: Ronaldinho to Fulham!
"Absurd as it may sound, a radio station in Rio de Janeiro claims Ronaldinho's representatives have been in talks with Fulham about a possible loan move," says Eddie de Oliveira, who sounds Brazilian making this a nailed on fact. "Apparently, Little Ronald was impressed by Craven Cottage and wooed by Martin Jol when Brazil played Ghana there last year..." Maybe he just wants to be close to the Michael Jackson statue.
11.05am: "In what can only be described as a cynical attempt to squash the Cisse deal in its tracks, Chelsea have begun their missile offensive on Loftus Road," jokes, I repeat JOKES, Arthur Butler. That smoke is actaully my brain melting down as news of Patrick Bamford's transfer came in, Arthur.
11.04am: Chelsea have made a �1.5m bid for Nottingham Forest striker Patrick Bamford, according to Steve Cotterill. "There has been a bid for him from Chelsea, it is for �1.5million," Cotterill told the Nottingham Evening Post. "The problem we have is that Patrick has been offered a couple of contracts now and I am not sure he will sign a new contract at Nottingham Forest. We are going to have a meeting to decide where that goes. What materialises, we will find out shortly."
Meanwhile, Phillipa Booth has an answer on the VAT question: "My understanding is that VAT is payable on player transfers, but this is recoverable against onward taxable supplies - so it should be a wash-through. Most VAT problems hitting the courts in the past have related to agents' fees, where clubs pay fees (and VAT) to agents not actually contracted to them, thus rendering (per HMRC) the VAT irrecoverable and fee non-deductible for CT purposes. I can try to find the judgments on that if we aren't all already asleep..." You had me at "recoverable against onward taxable supplies".
11am: "Normally on 'Jim White Day' we email in fake rumours like 'I just saw Lucas Podolski in Nandos in Salford,'" writes Niall Mullen. Oh, don't worry, I've already been getting them Niall. "But I'm a little worried for your sanity today Tom. It's a day of tedium dressed in faked excitement that could break the hardiest of souls. So hang in there, we're with you." I'm actually on holiday for three weeks from tomorrow. And, no, the timing isn't a coincidence.
10.57am: First quotes in on that David Pizarro to Manchester City rumour. "We are only negotiating with Manchester City for Pizarro," general director Franco Baldini was reported as saying on http://www.asromanews.it. "We will try to complete the deal before tonight." Pizarro, by the way, has had his tizzes in the past, so he and Tevez should be able to link up well for some brilliant funks on the training ground/subs bench/Asda. "I'll only believe it is David Bowie manning the Sky transfer screen if he describes George Weah's shock return to Man City as 'pretty freaky,'" says Elliot Carr-Barnsley.
10.51am: "Tom, I have a very boring question," begins Chris Gannon perking me up immediately," almost as boring as wondering who will sign up a washed up journeyman at 23:49, that your esteemed readership might be able to help me out with: Do clubs pay VAT on players they sign?" If it's someone like Andy Keogh, no, because frankly how can you add any more value to a behemoth like that?
10.44am: Confirmation that Liam Ridgwell is set to join West Brom. So that's confirming something that will probably happen. Not sure if that's confirmation enough for you. "This Sky Sports Transfer Deadline day is a strange beast," writes Lee Broderick. "Take this gent on the fancy interactive touch-board thing. His information is second hand and slightly dull; pointless really. But his delivery is strangely creepy; a kind of slithery, David Bowie in 'Labyrinth', 'I-know-something-you-don't' kind of vibe. It's all oddly watchable." Did you not know that is actually David Bowie?
10.38am: Milan started the transfer window chasing Carlos Tevez. We're not saying they've settled a little lower but ... they've completed the signing of teenage striker Philipp Prosenik from Chelsea. Milan tried to sign him in in 2009, but Prosenik opted to join Chelsea's academy.
10.33am: "Any news on Nicky Maynard," says Luke Davies. "The Bristol City record signing was rumoured to be going to either Wolves or Wigan." The first letter is right ? apparently West Ham are about to get their mitts on him.
10.31am: Confirmation that West Ham and Barnsley have agreed a fee for Ricardo Vaz Te, who is confusingly wearing a Hibs shirt in the picture illustrating the article.
10.29am:Twitter is abuzz ? well, I have seen two whole tweets ? that Man City are a bit bored and will sign Roma's David Pizarro just because they can.
10.25am: "According to Deloitte, Premier League transfer spend so far in this window totals �35m vs �90m at same point last year," tweets Owen Gibson, discounting Richard Stearman's �60m move to Man City.
10.21am: Andr� Villas-Boas doesn't sound that keen on Kevin de Bruyne's transfer to Chelsea. "In the sense that it's the club policy for the future. It's the right thing (to buy him) and I'll do everything in my power for him to reach maximum potential," says Villas-Boas. "But it's down to the club in decision-making."
10.19am: If you like your transfers a little more Football League, you can head over to our thread to discuss deadline day. As a bonus, there's no commentary from me.
10.17am: Wolves striker Andy Keogh has joined Millwall on a permanent deal for an undisclosed fee.
10.08am: Dom Fifield isn't convinced about Wilfried Zaha's transfer from Palace to Bolton: "With all this talk of Bolton tabling an improved off for Crystal Palace's 19-year-old winger, Wilfried Zaha, it appears the player himself is hardly keen on the move. He's just tweeted: 'Can everyone just stop tweeting and pinging me about Bolton #leaveitout.' Adding: 'Look forward to tonight's game', which is Palace's derby against Brighton & Hove Albion." Dom also adds: "Bolton HAVE tabled an improved offer for Zaha, but it's not as big as �7m and it's nowhere near what Palace would be prepared to sell for. He's not going anywhere at the moment..."
10.02am: Sky Sports can confirm that Nikica Jelavic has arrived for a medical at Everton. We kind of knew that that was going to happen. But there's more! His agent drives a BMW and Nikica was sat in the back of the car!
10am: West Ham have decided to stop relying on Mark Noble being quite good at taking penalties to boost the promotion bid and are mulling over a move for Barnsley forward Ricardo Vaz Te.
9.58am: John O'Callaghan writes in to tell us that Preston have had a bid for Cork City's Graham Cummins accepted. "He was the top scorer last season in the League of Ireland First Division," pips John.
9.56am: QPR, who are roaming the country sucking every available player into their transfer black hole, have got a bid for French football's favourite aristocrat lined up. Yup, Djibril Ciss� has just reached the event horizon, just south of Loftus Road, and could play for the Hoops later this week.
9.51am: David Hytner is on duty for the Guardian today and has some snippets for us: "Fulham are prepared to pay about 7.5m euros to Borussia Dortmund for the striker Lucas Barrios but the German club wants closer to 10m euros. Fulham have also got Stuttgart's Pavel Pogrebnyak on their radar, as uncertainty clings to the Craven Cottage futures of Bobby Zamora and Andy Johnson."
9.43am: Confirmation that Kevin De Bruyne has completed his move to Chelsea on a five-and-a-half-year contract. He'll continue to play at Genk until June, ready for Chelsea's Europa League campaign in Ausgust.
9.40am: Sky have got their super-whizzy, transfer deadline day touch screen out and report that Wigan have had a bid for Watford captain Adrian Mariappa rejected. It's not exactly Fernando Torres to Chelsea, is it? Mainly because Mariappa would be a much better buy.
9.35am: Rusty Alanbritches has this zinger on the Bradley Orr to Blackburn transfer: "When Venky's talked about bringing in players like 'Ronaldinho or Beckham' Blackburn fans didn't realise that they were talking about three different players."
9.31am: "One team that would really benefit from having Kevin Davies in their side and could be the difference between Premiership and Championship football next season ? Bolton," says Paul Ttereve. "Does Coyle really have the strength in depth to release such an effective alternative?" The answer is no.
9.25am: Sky reckon the fee for Liam Ridgwell will be �2m.
9.22am: QPR's Bradley Orr is having a medical at Blackburn. Global chicken sales are obviously up: that's Marcus Olsson and Orr already this morning.
9.21am: Michael Hunt writes in on the subject of Kevin Davies: "Realistically is there any team in the Premier League that would not be just a little bit better with Kevin Davies? The only team that you could really have said had an excellent strike force this season was Man City, and they're down one little broad scuttling fight-machine upfront anyway. I genuinely think he would lift any other team out there." Hmmm ... Kevin Davies is off to Man City.
9.17am: Bayer Leverkusen will ask to take Spurs's Vedran Corluka on loan for the rest of the season, according to PA Sport.
9.14am: Sky Sports News report that they've extended their deal with England Test cricket to 2017 and the game in the country is now ace due to their coverage. But they weren't to blame for that business in Abu Dhabi at the weekend.
9.11am: Here are the full details on that Wayne Bridge medical at Sunderland.
9.09am: Sky report that Liam Ridgewell is set to continue his sojourn around the West Midlands: West Brom have agreed a fee for him with Birmingham. West Brom have been looking for a regular own-goal scorer for quite a while now.
9.06am: Sky Sports says Wayne Bridge is having a medical at Sunderland. The medical will find that his muscles have atrophied after two years sat watching Pointless on his sofa. You can't blame him: Pointless is excellent. A few rumours going around that Kevin Davies could be off to the MLS, or stay at Bolton, or go to Sunderland.
9.03am: Exclusive Guardian source Mr The News Wires has some Blackburn news for us ... they going to get relega... Sorry, they're about to sign Martin Olsson's twin brother, Marcus:
Swedish international defender Martin Olsson is to be joined at Blackburn Rovers by his twin brother Marcus, the midfielder told Swedish media on Tuesday. "My brother got the shock of his life when he heard," Marcus told Swedish newspaper Sportbladet.
9.01am: Right. Paul Doyle had a brilliant preamble for you, full of insight, analysis and the most exciting transfer scoop of all time ? but then he got the flu so in his jimjams sipping sugary tea and reading the Phantom Tollbooth. Instead, you've got me and we'll jump straight into the news: Nicholas Cendrowicz emails from (I presume Belgium) to tell us this story roughly translates as "RC Genk confirm that Kevin de Bruyne has signed at Chelsea.
Tom will be here shortly. In the meantime, a brief rundown of the early news:
? Ravel Morrison, rated as one of the most naturally talented young players to come through Manchester United's ranks since Paul Scholes, is joining West Ham United after being told he is not getting another contract at Old Trafford.
? Everton expect to complete the signing of Nikica Jelavic after having an improved offer of around �6m for the Croatia international striker accepted by Rangers.
? Martin O'Neill remains quietly optimistic that Kevin Davies may end up on Wearside after all. Sunderland's manager saw a �1m bid for the Bolton Wanderers striker rejected on Monday but retains hope that the deal could be revived.
? S�bastien Bassong and Steven Pienaar are desperate to leave Tottenham Hotspur for Queens Park Rangers before the winter transfer window closes but they face a nervous wait to see whether Spurs' chairman, Daniel Levy, finds the sums on offer acceptable.
? Manchester City's Carlos Tevez may spend the rest of the season in limbo after Milan announced there was little likelihood of signing him on loan.
? And Southampton have signed the Doncaster Rovers striker Billy Sharp for an undisclosed fee, while Matt Tubbs has left Crawley Town for Bournemouth in a deal understood to be worth �800,000.
Source: http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/blog/2012/jan/31/transfer-window-deadline-day-live
Source: http://www.itv.com/sport/football/news/generalnews/fabregas-eyeing-chelsea-clash-183733203.html
Source: http://www.itv.com/sport/football/news/championsleague/previews/arsenal-v-celtic-783048809.html
Source: http://www.itv.com/sport/football/news/generalnews/williamson-enjoying-competition-497091810.html
Michael Ballack Frank Lampard Steven Gerrard Cristiano Ronaldo
Source: http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/rss/-/sport2/hi/football/16781103.stm
Source: http://www.itv.com/sport/football/news/generalnews/graham-gunners-must-play-for-keeps-946144222.html
Source: http://www.itv.com/sport/football/news/generalnews/dunne-ready-for-tough-competition-366543826.html
Source: http://www.itv.com/sport/football/news/generalnews/mcleish-eyes-landmark-run-718680736.html
Source: http://www.itv.com/sport/football/news/generalnews/wenger-charged-by-fa-180558053.html
Source: http://www.itv.com/sport/football/news/championsleague/previews/besiktas-v-man-utd-183353635.html
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Source: http://www.itv.com/sport/football/news/generalnews/worthington-loyal-to-healy-949734570.html
Source: http://www.itv.com/sport/football/news/generalnews/tevez-revelling-in-captaincy-role-570456430.html
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Source: http://www.itv.com/sport/football/news/generalnews/coyle-questions-award-of-goal-952205036.html
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Source: http://www.itv.com/sport/football/news/generalnews/hughes-has-confidence-in-healy-701335316.html
Source: http://www.skysports.com/football/match_report/0,19764,11065_3466007,00.html
Source: http://www.itv.com/sport/football/news/generalnews/newcastle-confirm-ben-arfa-injury-131036344.html